i used to want to be rich

i used to want to be rich, go to parties, and be surrounded by people who thought i was interesting

that was literally my purpose

i'm not ashamed of it. it was honest. and for a while, it worked

but more is a drug. and i kept needing a higher dose

last year my son came into the room during the super bowl and sat on my lap and blocked the whole screen.

i didn't move him

that was it. that was the whole thing

every desire i'd been chasing for years just... quieted. like someone turned the volume down on a noise i didn't know was constant

being a father is the smallest possible congregation. but it's the only one where i feel like i belong.

so i left google

i left to build something i can do while he's still asleep. something he can interrupt. something he'll one day understand was for him. something where i dont have to choose over him

he's not going to remember my quota attainment. he's going to remember if i was there.

i'm working on being there